Why Gift-giving Was Never a Christmas Tradition in My Family

I was three years old when I finally muster up the courage to ask my dad, "Pa, why does Santa never visit us in Brunei? Is it because we don't have chimneys in our house and that it never snows?"

My dad was blunt and honest. "Santa's not real. He does not exist."
I was devastated. "But he was on TV."
My dad said, "People made him up so that people will buy more things at Christmas time."

Imagine the frankness of my dad when I was that young. Sure, I was devastated, but my family was lucky. We got what we needed and/or wanted throughout the year. Christmas was a special time when we spent time as a family, going to church during Christmas morning and having a special dinner together. It was a fun time when my dad would put up the Christmas tree while we sang Christmas carols together. At any given point in time, there will never be gifts underneath the tree.

1960s Squirt Jackpot Slot Machine Toy

The year that I did receive a gift, it was a slot machine. Could you imagine how excited I was to receive SOME THING?! At Christmas time? My dad totally got me! He filled it with water. What a prankster! We all had fun! My sibling and I grew up to be just fine! We were not raised up on fairy tales. My dad provided us a frank and realistic view of the world. He didn't set us up for disappointment.

On the contrary, with a different family, I received a lengthy Christmas list from an individual by text message. Some of us had thought it was somewhat rude, but we love their children, so we didn't think much of it. However, we were all annoyed when neither bothered to contact us when they were visiting the city. More often than not, it seems like the presents would go into the trunk; the visit is normally short. We barely get time to spend any quality time with each other. Little would they know that one Christmas, money was tight. One of us had to sell our belongings so that their children would not have their Christmas ruined.

If I had learnt anything from my father by not participating in gift-giving for the past 20+ years, it really teaches your kids not to feel entitled; i.e. Christmas is not the time when they can get whatever they want. Reward them immediately if they've achieved great grades or have done remarkably well in what you have wanted them to do. It would reinforce great behaviour. Kids won't remember what types of behaviour they should continue if they had to wait until Christmas for everything.


Oh, and the common obligatory gifts that we receive. Adults can buy whatever they need. Please save your own money; there are struggling families who could use the money on groceries over Christmas. Donate to the food bank instead. I'm not big into receiving any trinkets nor anymore bath products at Christmas time. Christmas is a really tough time for us this year; having to save up for a wedding and home renovation isn't at all fun. I would rather people keep their money and use it towards their bill and living expenses.

So many holidays have lost its meaning -- since the media has pretty much brainwashed each of us into how we must buy "things" for others. Really, if you still feel obligated to buy something, a fruit basket would suffice. Vitamin C helps keeps us strong. Simple, delicious and nutritious. 

Blue Christmas

³⁶ and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God’s children, since they are children of the resurrection. (Luke 20:36)

Losing any loved ones, before the holidays, is not easy. I feel the pain of families having to go through any celebratory events the first time without loved ones. Earlier last month, the doctors did all they could, given the fact that the hospital did not have any cardiac facilities. Nonetheless, my father didn't suffer. It was sudden and quick. My dad left us with a smiling face before we laid him to rest. There are still times when I would have exciting news to share, only to stop myself before I would send my dad an email.

When I heard the song "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", I was crying uncontrollably at the part where the song went, "someday soon, we all will be together". Grieving is a personal journey. Too often, I've been given the advice: "Be strong." It is tiring having to live up to the expectations of a stoic society, hiding behind a smile.  

This Christmas, I won't be celebrating. I've politely turned down all Christmas obligations. In Victorian times, I have been told, they don't celebrate any events for a year. The Chinese culture is almost similar: grieving period is 100 days. It would give us the chance to be close with the remaining family that we've got. Love will keep us together; that would be Christmas enough.


It will be difficult, but as long as we are alongside with family, it is perfectly okay to grief openly. It seems much more noticeable since everyone else is cheerful and having a good time. My advice? Don't worry about what others would say because they probably might not really understand the pain of losing someone close until it happens to them. Chances are that they would respect your need to grief and give you space or offer you hugs.


My thoughts and prayers go out to those who have lost a loved one before Christmas this year.